30 11 / 2011

What’s nice in doing blowjobs? Probably nothing if you’re not making money with it. The worst thing is that we women don’t have instituted an equal practice and we’ll never rule a Country. Maybe that’s the reason why we need so much to be cuddled, something’s missing in our lives. But why men like so much blowjobs? I have watched some porns called “Milfs vs Teens” but they haven’t helped me a lot so I’ve started my trip to knowledge on the net and I’ve found some answers, clearly written by women. I discovered that men love blowjobs because it’s kinda like founding women’s vulnerability and submissions. But the most interesting thing I read was a woman writing that men adore blowjobs because in blowjobs they can get as much physically close to a woman’s heart as possible. So, your heart is closer to my penis, I think I’m in love with you. Nice try. Hilarious! In my personal opinion men like blowjobs for the same reason I like chocolate cake. It makes you feel good and don’t require a great effort from you.

When I was 18 I went on holiday with three of my 30-years-old favorite friends with just 50 euros. Unfortunately for you this story doesn’t end with me doing blowjobs to everyone to survive. But since they wanted my love life to be satisfying and beautiful they revealed me lots of secrets. First thing I learnt is “You can’t expect your boyfriend to stay with you if you don’t give him blowjobs”. I was quite happy because it seemed to me a lot more easier than “If you love someone, set him free” (free to do WHAT? And especially with WHO?). In the beginning I thought the rule was just “give your boyfriend tons of it and he will love you forever”. For me it could have been a problem anyway, because I’ve always had problems with my backaches. After some more talks, I realized it was not that easy (as usual), there were so many rules I still ignored.

I know Proust wrote  seven volumes called  « À la recherche du temps perdu ». I’m not saying blowjobs are not as important as this recherche du temps perdu, but maleheuresement  I’ll have to schematize.

CHOOSE THE RIGHT TIME TO MAKE THE FIRST ONE – MILITARY STRATEGY

Even though you’re not sluts and hopefully you don’t run around sucking unknown dicks (because you aren’t, are you?), I have to precise we’re speaking about your boyfriend’s dicks. And no, that thing you did in that parking last summer doesn’t count. So, after some dates and some amazing time spent together talking about your feelings with him listening to his i-pod it will come the rough time for a blowjob. The bad thing is that this “right moment” is impossible to individuate. This leads to a series of complications:

Option 1: Italy enters II World War (10 June 1940)

You did it too early. Maybe you just wanted to be kind, but now you’re screwed up. You practically lost the unique weapon you had to make your boyfriend do whatever you want. Congratulations, it’s not so smart to give it away like the world was ending tomorrow.

Option 2: The fall of the Berlin Wall (1989)

Too much time is passed and you haven’t already done it. Probably you were too busy with being alone in your room wearing a Joy Division t-shirt and posting some wonderful screenshot of your favorite telefilm on Tumblr. This time it won’t be love to tear you apart.

Missing the right time can generate two possible situations:

Situation A: First Opium War (1839-42)

One day you’ll go to your boyfriends house, sure you’ll chill out and watch “American graffiti”. Ah, you wish so. What’s really gonna happened has more to do with him literally putting your head on his dick or eventually with you eating your brownie Ben & Yerry’s ice-cream and him asking “Can you make me a blowjob, please?”. And I really want to know how you’ll escape this situation.

Situation B: Armistice of 1918 (11 November 1918)

You’ve realized is very late. At least you’re not dumb. You’re risking your relationship, so you’re gonna take off your emergency kit, wear your sluttiest clothes and run to your boyfriend’s house. Probably choosing the worst time. His dear grandma is dying and you’re thinking about oral sex, you’re really a dirty slut.

HOW MANY AM I SUPPOSED TO GIVE? – FMI (INTERNATIONAL MOUNETARY FOUND)

Before starting doing it like giving handshake in catholic church there are a couple of things you have to think about. Do you remember when USA set up Bretton Wood’s system in 1944 and then, tired of saving everyone other’s ass, in 1971 tell the world they were fed up with it? Well, you’re not the USA and when you’ll no more stand blowjobs you can’t just came up with “You know, I don’t feel like doing oral sex, let’s try something else”. It’s fundamental to give the right amount to it. It’s not necessary to exaggerate. Like buying those nice glitter shoes with huge heels. That’s exaggerate, if you don’t work as a shop assistant in Pigalle. And nobody gives a fuck if they are Miu Miu’s. Remember that road to hell is paved with good intentions and morning blowjobs are for special occasions. Start doing it every day and you’ll probably end up cleaning your boyfriend’s toilet without gloves asking yourself why you didn’t pick Erasmus last year.

GOOD MANNERS – FRENCH NOBILITY AND SOCIAL CONVENTIONS (XVIII CENTURY)

What’s the cool thing about visiting different countries? Knowing foreign cultures, strange habits bla bla bla. So, while I was having a really nice conversation with two friends of mine, one Italian, one French, about the always-cool topic “Why I don’t have a boyfriend” we started speaking about blowjobs. This not only proves that I’m a very miserable person but also that the two topics are intimately connected. It came out that we don’t have the same socials conventions, not at all. It appears that Italian girls have this bad habitude of swallowing everything’s coming out of their men, from sperm to ridiculous lies about dvds and video-stores. Par contre French ones consider it as a great sign of disrespect. Of course I’m not speaking about me, I’m speaking about you, eating-spaghetti-Italian-bitches. In the end we agreed on one topic: it’s not very polite to spit. Spits are only cool on vinyl. It’s not polite to spit food in your hankie even if you don’t like it and so it’s polite neither in THAT occasion. So, if you’re not as punk as Italian socialist in the 20’s (I was told they used to drink a lot of super good castor oil), you should learn to stop yourselves before. Save spits for real important things: washing your teeth, your ex boyfriend’s new girlfriend, the guy who took last Mcchicken left instead of you.

28 11 / 2011

Some boys got a mysterious ability. I’m not talking about making good oral sex. Unfortunatly. They got this talent to turn the awkard moment “I dump you” into a beautiful story you can tell your friends and future partners just to let them know you really appreciate creativity. Usually these gifted boys during your short or long relationship haven’t ever been able to say anything smart or brillant. They have never did jokes on Jews or start a battle of food. You know, things normal people consider to be FUNNY. BUT, in the end, because you’re a lucky girl indeed, they provide you a gorgeous exploit: finally it comes the time for them to realize that the verve circus has to be set up immediatly.

I’m pretty sure there’re cool and good ways to dump people, like there are nicer ways to commit omicide. A gunshot in the head is surely more gentle than getting 15 stabs in your back and generally nobody wants to die with swastikas kindly drawn by a knife on any part of his body. And there’re some awesome medieval torture you should know about, like the Pear of anguish or the Virgin of Nurimberg.

I’d talk about medieval torture for hours but medieval history is not my real field so I want to be professional. Here there’s a list of things you boys should not say when you dump a girl. Or maybe a list of things that you absolutly have to say to turn in superbitches and make all these underage girls dressed in stripes going crazy for you.

Of course first thing we have to say is that boys don’t REALLY dump girls: boys wait for days, or maybe weeks, procrastinate till you, little foolish women, explode and puke rivers and rivers, a Mississipi, of words into their face: WHY YOU DIDN’T CALL ME BACK I THOUGHT YOU LIKED ME I ALREADY CHANGE MY WARDROBE TO FIT YOUR STYLE I SOLD MY RECORDS TO BUY YOU DRUGS LOOK I ALSO BOUGHT A TANGA.

Only at that time you can be officially dumped. If you don’t puke you can stay in a relationship like that for years: he’s probably getting married with an east Europe stripper without you don’t even knowing that.

So, a couple of things you should never say, in no particular order.

1) I DIDN’T EXPECT TO FIND YOU HERE

This sentence is actually the greatest ever because it’s always said in the wrong places. “I didn’t expect to find you here” “Well, you know, it’s my birthday party”. “You mean you didn’t expect to find me here?” “No, I didn’t” “We’re in a gay club, I’m a woman, what’s your excuse?”

2) THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU, THAT’S ME

After the first 5 seconds of “Of course there’s nothing with me, you are the douche”, you’re probably gonna fell terrible. If there’s nothing wrong in you and you have been dumped again, you really are in a beautiful cul-de-sac: you’re perfect and nobody wants you, so you’ll die alone. Or maybe there’s something wrong in you, maybe you have a cancer, or you have aids and you should go to the hospital to make a check and find out how much time do you have left to find a boy that can be able to tollerate your horrible perfection.

3) BY THE WAY, DO YOU WANT TO COME TO MY SHOW-CONCERT-BODY PAINTING PERFORMANCE-PREMIERE OF MY NEW GAY PORN VIDEO

So, you have dumped your girl, dirty douche? Do you really think her first wish is coming to see you producing art in front of a bunch of people clapping hands for you and maybe screaming your name? C’mon. Maybe it was acceptable in the 80’s. Have you ever seen “Almost Famous”? Neither here, nor there.

4) I’VE DISCOVERED I DON’T LOVE YOU NO MORE

Probably your boyfriend is gonna tell you this after a blow job. To make it more spicy. Love seems to be quite a relative concept for men. “C’mon it’s a blow job I couldn’t miss it”. They love you enough to get a blow job, to eat the food you make, but they don’t love you enough not to dump you the day of your birthday. By the way this one is nice because the great discover is usually followed by days and days of re-examinations. “I made a mistake, I love you, let’s have sex” “Oh, no I may have done something wrong”. OH YES, SURE

5) SORRY, MY GAY FRIEND STOLE MY PANTS SO I DIDN’T REALLY KNOW WHAT TO DO

You know guys, you need to have an open mind. These are things that can happen, I assure you, even without LSD. It can happen to the bests and to the beasts, it can happen also if you wear skinny pants. But maybe screaming to your ex-girlfriend “Show your woman’s dignity, I’m dumping you” with just your underwear on is not a good idea.

6) YOU’RE NOT ENOUGH PUNK FOR ME (IT WORKS WITH ALL YOUTH SUBCULTURES)

Boyfriends are always sure they are the PUNKEST EVER. They are punker than your ex and FOR SURE punker than you. Even though their mums still cut their meat in little tiny pieces, they are true rebels. And you, silly girl, you can’t get that because you’re too busy building yourself a real life.

7) I STILL LOVE YOU/LIKE YOU BUT I NEED TO BE ALONE, EVEN THOUGH IT WON’T BE EASY TO STOP THINKING ABOUT YOU

Here you are a list of characters you are not:

Mr Darcy of Pride and Prejudice

Leonardo di Caprio in Titanic

Johnny Depp in Cry Baby

Kierkegaard in Enten-Eller

So, do you need to be alone to masturbate yourself in the bathroom on saturday afternoon? It’s not so clear, but your such a DANGEROOOUUUS man.

8) YOU’LL BE BETTER WITHOUT ME, I MADE IT FOR YOU, I DON’T DESERVE YOU (I don’t deserve you NOW)

So, have you been to Auschwitz and you have liked it? Have you started to like dupstep? What was the exact time you discovered you turned into a worse man? Well, I have some ideas.

9) I HAVE GOT LOTS OF PROBLEMS RIGHT NOW

I like this one. It’s a super passepartout, you can use it for every situations of life without feeling a total asshole. I say feeling. It’s basically the reason why death sentence is illegal in most countries of the world: because people have lots of problems. It’s also a good excuse when you puke drunk on an expensive design sofa at a party or when you violate a children.

10) I DON’T OWN YOU EXPLANATIONS/WE HAVE TO SPEAK AGAIN, IN ANOTHER PLACE

Girls have to learn that these two expressions, APPARENTLY opposite mean exactly the same thing. To translate it, I could say: “I like so much making love with you that I really don’t want to do anal”. C’mon guys, you can do better than this.

11) DON’T CRY, I’M SURE YOU’RE GONNA FIND SOMEONE OTHER

Yeah, maybe your best friend.

12) THE PROBLEM IS YOUR POLITICAL ORIENTATION

In history we have lots of examples of people with different visions of life being in love. Martin Heiddeger and Hannah Arendt. Or exemples of people who simply don’t give a fuck and just wanted to have a nice pussy. Charles I of England and Henriette Marie. You’d better update yourselves because that marvellous time is ended. You can’t go around and say Hitler was a bad person like you were telling your grandma’s cookies recipe, you can’t spoil other people’s sushi dinner telling taxation should be more equal because now women’s opinions really matter. That’s the reason why they should be the same as their men’s ones.

13) I WOULD HAVE LIKED TO CALL YOU

and this is the reason why you didn’t, right?

14) PLEASE CAN YOU JUST NOT SEE OTHER MEN FOR LIKE A COUPLE OF MONTHS?

It’s true, women don’t deserve happiness. Just go out with your girlfriends and look desperate. Like in Grease.

15) I WANTED TO DO THIS SINCE A LONG TIME

But you know, I also wanted to get presents for my birthday.

16) I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY

Since primary school they teach you how to prepare speeches, to expose them in front of your class. The main point is not learning which animals live in the north pole. Nobody cares about the tundra habitat and nobody gives a fuck about which job you’d like to do when you’d be a grown up man. THEY PREPARE YOU FOR THIS.




26 11 / 2011

Most of the people are obliged to choose between irony and love. Just to be clear, irony is not given to anyone, it’s quite a rare gift. You can think about it as beautiful nipples. Not so many women have beautiful nipples, but there are some women with very beautiful nipples and some others with INCREDIBLE nipples. The kind of nipples you could die for. Nipples are very important and people tend to forget it. So let’s hypotize you have these beautiful nipples. I’m quite sure beautiful nipples can be a matter of practice, maybe with a tutorial on Youtube. So you can born with your super developed ironic nipples, or you can born with discrete nipples and then you have to exercise them. Two possibilities. Possibility one, you can born in a left-oriented family and so never be allowed to buy your carnival mask in a mall, have to wait for years to wear a bra as sexy as your friend does, probably be forced to read Russian fairy tales talking about IZBAS. Possibility two, you can born in a right-oriented family (but it has to be a serious right-oriented one, not that liberal bullshit). Possibility two is even more problematic if you’re gay. Ironic and talented gays always born in right-oriented family, you have to know this dogma.  But since you’re not obliged to be gay, let’s speak about the general case. At a certain age you have to realize you’re never gonna get books for Christmas and your parents are assholes, but you have to love them. This is quite a good training for real world, it’s full of assholes and you have to love them sometimes. One day hell will be home sweet home. So you have to start to read books on your own, explaining your parents why you don’t want to go on holiday in Ibiza and, if you have the luck to live in XXI century,to spend a lot of your time on Youtube to train your sense of humor, probably with Spanish and American videos. Of course also kids born in a left-oriented family have to train, but when your parents can laugh about the fact that at the age of 12 you have been sent to Principal because you wrote a satirical pamphlet about some school guys and distribute it to the entire school everything is easier. Second step is the same for all the ironic world: deciding if you want to be the type of ironic person that reads Vice regularly or the type of ironic person who reads Vice quarrelling about the fact all Vice’s articles seem to be written by the same person. And I’m sure it’s like that. Step three is realizing if you are good looking or not. Good looking ironic people usually want to have a good looking partner, I can’t easily say why. I think they want the product of their procreation to be a super irotic baby: it could be like a primitive feelin that natural selection is not workin well. Ironic people are pretty nazi, but I can assure you natural selection is really not workin well. Ironic people really like to have sex, you should look for them when they are drunk. Especially ironic girls. Ironic girls are desperate. Cute ironic girls are even more desperate. Being ironic is like being forced to go to a yoga lesson IN CANADA: you spend most of your time saying “What the fuck am I doing here?”. If you find a beautiful and hot boyfriend it will be an all-life long yoga session and you’ll be obliged to pretend you’re in love with all this new age shit. Actually is more like a post-yoga lesson, when you have to be polite and have a tea with your yoga mates. Drinking tea should be socially acceptable only for old people over 60. Good thing about yoga is thank God nobody can talk during it because everyone is very very busy to get to Nirvana or maybe to improve his flexibility for making strange and notsociallyacceptableastea obscure sex positions. Like the frog one. Ironic girls also like musicians. Musicians are usually assholes. Ironic musicians are intolerable assholes. Usually. Musicians are sure you should squirte for every video they post on your Facebook wall and basically for everything they do. Unfortunately it often goes like that. I’m quite sure musicians are like Vice’s journalists. Gosh I make incredible hamburgers and I can do big bubbles with my saliva but I don’t spend all my life boasting myself. By the way not all musicians are like that. But don’t start getting wet, these ones are already taken. You should make a list and wait for their girlfriends to die, that’s the only reasonable thing to do. Advice number two: if you’re ironic and young and a girl NEVER start listening to good music, it’s the fastest way to realize the band you love so much isn’t making a 7 inches (god knows why) and you’re the only one still single because you really don’t have the attitude to be a groupie. Advice number three: if you’re a girl please don’t get old school tattoo or in general nice tattoos: they confound men (“What does she want to say to me with all this coolness?”).Plus not having tattoos is a good way to avoid questions like “What do your tattoos mean? When did you get them? Was it painful?” which always leads to a very boring conversation with guys thinking HOWCANIGETYOURPUSSYMAYBEISHOULDASKYOUABOUTTATTOSITALWAYSWORKS. Get only ugly tattoos (the kind of tattoos that could be photographed for Vice magazine) so people will be too embarrassed to ask and will try to ignore them (like boys try to ignore the fact girls make poo-poo). Even though there are in fact people with poo-poo feticism. This always gives me some hopes for the future. Basically any kind of feticism gives me hope, like that time I had a big disgusting bloody wound on my knee and an unknown man tried to lick it on the train. Advice number four: never wear heels. They confound men even more than tattoos. Also sexy lingerie is quite forbidden. Advice number five: look for a job in graphic or in fashion. PLEASE AVOID ALL THAT HUMANISTIC SCIENCES CRAP THAT ALWAYS LEADS TO UNHAPPINES. I don’t have to explain you why, make an effort. Or work for Vice. Ironic girls usually like South Park AND Gossip girl. That’s quite a mystery. You don’t know why but you have to watch it AND know if Chuck is gonna end up with Blair, because you don’t really give a shit about the other characters. Probably he won’t and you’ll be disappointed AGAIN. But let’s come back to the main topic “Why you’re never gonna find love”. That’s pretty simple because you have two choices: being ironic and alone NUMBER ONE, repress your irony as long as you can and find a boyfriend, a cool one (you can understand if he’s a cool one looking comments on his Facebook photos) NUMBER TWO. I tried this one but it doesn’t work for a long time; during your relationship your friends are gonna make fun of you because of your non-ironic boyfriend and after your relationship you’re gonna spend lots of nights alone with a 3 euros bottle of Chardonnay wondering why that amazing boy who doesn’t like the same videos as you on Youtube (and believe me, Youtube and food tastes are practically the only thing that matter in a relationship) doesn’t want to be with you no more WHAT THE HELL WE HAD SO MUCH IN COMMON, HE UNDERSTOOD ME SO MUCH. So you’ll have to retour to option NUMBER ONE and spend your time with your bunch of ironic male friends saying you’re amazing, you have beautiful nipples and you’re gonna find someone FOR SURE, but for now you should buy a vibrator. It’s basically the time to decide if in your life you want to be a writer with beautiful nipples, a lover with not-so-bad nipples or simply write on Vice with nipples that practically all the world have seen.